On Forgetting

© Victoria Todd

As a child psychoanalyst, I provide consultation services to tutors who work with children with learning troubles.  My job is to help them understand that behavior is a meaningful communication.  Children can’t always tell you how they’re feeling.  They let their behavior do the talking.

Recently a tutor reported that a boy showed up for class without his school supplies.  So, the tutor gave him a pencil and paper only to learn that he “forgot them somewhere” by second period.  This “forgetting” happened over and over again.  So, what was the boy really saying to his tutor?  Was he feeling forgotten?

Sometimes children believe that their parents get so busy during the day with work or, worse yet, taking care of younger siblings, that they forget all about them.  Of course, as is true of all behavior problems, this is just one possibility.  However, it’s worth exploring if your child has a forgetting problem.

“Seem to be forgetting a lot lately.  Wonder if you ever feel forgotten.  Maybe think I get so busy while you’re at school that I don’t think about you.”  Then see what he/she says.  If this is the issue, encourage your child to elaborate as much as he/she can and then acknowledge, “What a sad thought, Joey, that you’re feeling forgotten.  So, how can I help you know that I keep you in mind?”  This could be something simple like putting a note in your child’s lunch.  “Joey, I just wanted you to know I will be thinking about you.  Love, Mom.”  Or maybe you could put a picture of you and your child in his backpack with a note that says, “When you get home tonight, I’ll be so glad to hear about your school day.”  Often these little reminders can be quite helpful to children who worry about being forgotten.